I was reading a thread on AW about the “Best Christmas Gift” and was hard pressed to come up with one; I have received so many wonderful gifts throughout the years. What was easier for me was to recall other gifts – ones that made me wonder if there was a deeper message to the gift than just "Merry Christmas." For example:
Personalized jewelry. So, what's the message in that gift? The giver thinks I'm a narcissist? Wants me found by a stalker? Has trouble remembering my name so they hoped I'd wear the gift and spare them embarrassment next time we met? As an aside, nothing is weirder than having a stranger call you by name making you wonder, “how do they know me?” then remembering that your earrings are spelling it out for them in quarter inch high block letters.
“Jeweled” pocket calculator. ‘Cuz, you know, “Math is Hard,” so let’s make it pretty. I think the real message was that the vendor got a lot of 100 at a really cheap per piece price and handed them out to all their female clients. I bet the men got booze. Damn.
A “ladies” electric shaver. It was pastel and shaped all curvy, created especially for women. Women with silky fine down-like feminine leg hair that’s probably so pale you could forgo the shaving all together and nobody would notice. The stubble on my legs is at least as tough to shave as any man’s beard. It is also black – deep dark midnight black. Sadly, but truly, I get a ‘five o’clock shadow’ – from my knees to my ankles. Was this gift given in a state of denial about my need to use a fresh bladed razor daily?
While I’m on the subject, does anyone remember the “Epi-lady”?? a 40,000 rpm spinning spring that snagged and yanked the hair out of your legs….I’m convinced a sadistic misogynist came up with that device. But I stray…
Heated eyelash curler. Now those are just scary. I’m convinced something will go wrong with it and set my eyelashes on fire, which will then ignite my eyebrows and from there, “Good bye hair”. I’m sensing hostility in this gift.
Further along those lines – tweezers. Not a grooming kit that contains tweezers, just, specifically and all by themselves tweezers. At this point while emptying my stocking, I’m beginning to think that people are not satisfied with my grooming or there’s a werewolf somewhere in the family tree and this is their subtle way of getting the message across.
“50 Colors!” eyeshadow sets – they look like fun but only two or three of the colors are attractive on me and there’s not enough shadow in each of them to do my eyes for more than a week. I once experimented with different combinations of colors and was mistaken for a confused football fan. “So that eye wants the Raiders to win and that one is for the Bengals?” I think this gift says “Go wild! You’re boring.”
Scented bath set – you know, the ones with the soap, powder, and lotion to match some perfume you’ve never heard of? If you apply all three items, after your ablutions folks will smell you coming a mile off and avoid meeting with you in person (although that might be worth considering). If you don’t use all of the items you’ll get the “Why is there still a full bottle of that lotion I bought you at Christmas?” talk sometime around the Fourth of July. This gift is either saying “I stopped at Walgreens this morning on the way to our Christmas get together and this is all I could find for under $20.” or, “You smell bad.” (no grammar lessons here, please – it’s dialog and that’s how people talk about you when you are odiferous).
“Sampler” boxes of candy. For some reason I seem to get boxes of candy from vendors and the guys get the boxes of real food, with beef sticks and cheese and nuts. There are a number of those candies that I dislike intensely and some I can’t eat at all (I can’t eat anything with shreds of coconut). Here, I’ll make it simple – if it has to be candy I like the Ghirardelli Chocolate squares with caramel and See’s peanut brittle, or those See’s dark chocolate suckers. All the other candy gets eaten by everyone else, so how is that a gift for ME???? If you want to give me food for a present, I like Hickory Farms beef sticks (the Cajun flavor is great). Although after a long day shopping I’m tempted to ask for the candy filled with liqueurs. I think the hidden message here is “My cousin is a dentist” or maybe a heart surgeon.
Here's a gift I have saw online and pondered with amusement and had to share - in case you have a 'message' to put in someone's stocking next year:
The “Miss Army Knife” It’s PINK! Quote from the ad copy: “comes with 15 must-have female emergency items — including a flashlight, needle and thread, nail file, scissors, a pill box, mirror, safety pin, tweezers (there those are again) and even a secret compartment to put an emergency bottle of perfume!” I’m tempted to ask for this for next year. Someone else can figure out what that says about me…
I hope your stockings are full of interesting stuff and no coal this year. Happy Holidays!