Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Um, Sorry, But I Don't Think We're Really a Good Match, Ifeanyi

Google's spam filters do a very good job. I probably only get 3 or 4 a day in the in-box. This one slipped by, though:

I bless the day I set eyes on your mail thats is my word,but of all let me say compliments of the season to you my angel.My purpose of emailing you is that i needed a white man to marry me as husband,
Ok, first mistake. There seems to be some gender confusion going on. I'm not sure where it comes from, I tend to dress and act fairly feminine. Also note the past tense "needed a white man to marry me as husband" - is this a Dear John?
Since my child hood i have been dreaming of marrying white at least i will be the first to marry white in my home town,any day God of heaven makes this happen or comes to pass i will be the happiest person on earth.I just want to let you know that age does not matter in marriage i am 23years old now,loving you is like making heaven,pls honey do not say no to my proposal you are all i have honey,
I'm saddened by this need to "marry white" and I doubt that God of heaven approves as well.

I will use this oppurturnity to thank your mother for given birth to you because without her you can not exist.Writing something to you is like making heaven i have always had something to laugh about lately and someone to think about which is you, I used to have dark and lonely days because of my dream and heart desire,days coos the sun don稚 shine my way because my dream have'nt come to pass,
I'm thankful my mother had me too. I'm sorry that she has passed away and can't know that a spammer is grateful to her for having me. I don't think she'd take it as a great compliment, though.

wish that I could find the words to say and show you that love is real but words cant express the way you make me feel, so you are my angel my sun up in the sky, I may be
going through hell but as long as I get your reply to talk to you I feel like i am in Heaven, The way I see things only you
can ease this pains I feel and wipe my tears away, only you can make me whole again.
I'm feeling very sorry for this person, to have invested so much in me that I cannot reciprocate. I'm thinking she needs to start working on some self esteem issues.

Honey not a day goes by that I don稚 think of my furture wife which is you , when I think of the conversation I feel like I have been very blessed already all ready though i have'nt got your feed back but i know that God of heaven will make it happen, just one thing I ask God for lately
and that痴 just for me to hold your hands and if that would be all I don稚 mind. I donor make promises but I tell you I 'all be the best I can be.
Huh? Now I'm a future wife? Not in California, sorry to say. There's this law called Prop 8, see. I'm against it and all for gay marriage. Even if it were legal, though, I'm already married and I don't think the polygamy law will be overturned. Plus, and I think this is the main show-stopper, not gay.
I just had to let this words out talk my heart and felt I should tell you about my self i am a black girl based at cote d'ivoire ivory coast.i wish to stop hear untill i hear from you soon pls honey think of me.
yours in love
Ifeanyi Gideon
Ifeanyi, I hope you find true love. I hope you find it based in cote d'ivoire ivory coast. I hope you find it with a fine man of any race who loves you. While it's probably true that I'm a heaven sent blessing to my dear husband (who, if he were reading that, might pass out from hysterical laughter) I'm sure you can do much better for yourself than me. Hate to break your heart, but it's better to be honest and make a clean break of it. You'll thank me some day.

But, of course, you're not a 23 year old black "girl" (more self-esteem problems, or, more likely the spam was written by a total mysogynist asshole, with only Penthouse as his guide to what 'real women' are like, because a 23 year old female is a woman, honey). I'm not sure who you are but in the end, I've sent your email to the spam folder.


Frank Baron said...

You have a keen eye for spammaliciousness, Grasshopper. Someone has taught you well. :)

Dawno said...

You are the master, Frank. I am a pale shadow next to your wit and wisdom!

Simran said...

Wow, I'm at a loss for words on this one.

Dawno said...

Yeah, the longer you analyze it the more egregious it is, huh?

niftyknits said...

wonderful. my best dish of spam was this one: "Hello Friend ( the ), how are you? I am by developing an activity over the Internet very interesting , where the chances of earnings são realities. That's a system practical , simple & dynamic No cost she swims you she'll know - he , will be barely 5 minutinhos. Lighted meu link : http://www.blahblahblah
That your desires of conquest they may be realized as soon as possible."

Dawno said...

Hi NiftyKnits!

Wow - that spam makes no sense at all! Wonder how many people actually respond to junk like that - must be enough to keep them at it.

Glad to see you here!

Haggis said...

My Dearest Beloved Honey,

You have blessed my dai with your respoonse and I am in the heavenly. You toy with my emoticons, but I now you are onley teasing. Ha ha. I have contracted weeding planner and he will call you tomorrow with details.

Til then, my deerest lurve.


Dawno said...

Dear Ifeanyi, whose avatar is a very scary doggie,

I hope the weeding planner will start planning the northeast corner in the back yard, really ugly weeds there.

Your Beloved Honey